This December I should have delivered my third baby. (I miscarried back in June.) But this wasn't my first miscarriage. Ive actually had 4 (possibly 5) in the past 3 years or so.
My husband asked me why I haven't written about it yet. To be honest, I wasn't sure what to say, how to say it and I don't want to expose some of these VERY personal thoughts that I have experienced over it all. This is a subject that is still very hurtful and hard for me at times to talk about.
People are so quick to judge you. They say REALLY STUPID things; mainly out of ignorance or just not knowing what to say. Sometimes there's nothing to say. Just a offer of prayer, support and love.
I came across a website the other day that really described some of the ways I was feeling.
Some days are particularly hard. People tell me I have children, why should I be so discouraged about not having more? As though the presence of my kids will take away the yearning in my heart for a child whom I feel the absence of. It doesn't. No more than the presence of remaining children replaces the children I have lost.
I have carried children to term before. I know my body is capable of it, and yet it stubbornly refuses to cooperate now. I took it for granted, the ability to conceive a life and hold it inside me long enough to beget a child to raise. I no longer do. I fully recognize the wondrous miracle that it is.
Infertility hurts. It does not matter when it happens. If the desire to bring a child into the world has entered your mind, filled your thoughts, and tugged at your heart, the denial of that vision seems very personal. ....Why should the Lord deny me the ability?
Infertility strikes all walks of life. There is less sympathy for those with less affluence, yet they hurt just as deeply, with less ability to seek technological intervention. The well to do suffer too, and often all the resources in the world cannot provide the miracle they desire.
Life marches on around them, oblivious to the monthly cycle of hope, discouragement, and then depression as they determine not to even hope again, and then back to hope again simply because as long as you live you have to hope or you die, even though you wish you could stop hoping so that the cycle of disappointment would stop. They feel to cry, as Rachel, "Give me children, else I die!". But the cries stay within their heart, often unspoken even to God, the full depth of sorrow held down deep and perhaps not even fully acknowledged to themselves.
This lady was describing exactly how I felt. As a women we have that motherly instinct to want to have children. I was asked "Well, why is it so important to you that you have more kids?"
I can't explain to you why. Why is it so important to you that you achieve your life long goals or dreams and ambitions? Its just a longing in my heart, and it wont go away.
Having a child is a miracle! Its such an amazing gift! I LOVE my children! I cant believe that God blessed me with such amazing human beings! Its such a awesome responsibility!
God's peace has really helped me through alot, though I have been angry at him, yelled a few times at him, wondering why he would allow this to happen to me! I know that there's a reason for all this. At this present time I cant pinpoint what? or why? I could have died? It could have suffered a lifetime of being sick?
At this present moment I feel like a child that has been offered a piece of candy, to only have it taken away before I can have it.
One day I'll look back at this and see the miracle that God has done in my life. Until then I just wait. Holding on to that truth.....
If you've been through a miscarriage, don't be afraid to talk about it. Holding it all in doesn't help. Theres people out there who have been through what your going through.
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